Trigger Warning! This is LONG! This is not a post with pretty pictures but a story of how I survived! Please feel free to share if you think it will help someone else. We all have a story! Here is mine. I'm not posting for pity but to let you know that you are NOT alone!
It's not really Boudoir related but boudoir has helped me in so many ways heal my pain. Those who know my story always say I should share it so here I go! I don't know what is going on but SO MANY of my friends are coming to me with domestic abuse issues. Not the kind you can see but the kind that will change who you are as a human for all eternity. I wanted to share my story for those of you might not know and it may help someone reading this. It’s also therapeutic for me too. Due to the trauma, I don't remember all the details and some dates may be off but here I go.
I was married to a VERY narcissistic man for 8 years. He came on strong, VERY STRONG! He swept me off my feet! Portrayed himself as an amazing loving human. I was the sun to his world. The engagement was quick I think we had been dating for only 3 or 4 months. He wanted to get married right away but I made him wait 1 full year. He wasn't even divorced from #2 yet. There were signs, but I missed them. He had an excuse for everything. Nothing was ever his fault. He was always the victim of the circumstances and I believed him. The stories sounded so realistic. He showered me with gifts. Many things I didn't want or need. Once I found out how much credit card debit, he was in I made him return the jewelry he bought me. He would drive for hours just to see me because he couldn't bear to be away from me.
Fast forward to after the wedding. That is when it started to change. In public he was an "amazing doting husband and for those who didn't know but at home he was a neglectful, cheating, lying, stealing, using, hateful man. It was my best friend who pointed out to me one day that I always begged her to come over when he was home, and she could see how miserable I was. I tried! I tried for my son (was my only child at the time) but he overheard his father tell me that he wanted me to "Die in a fiery car crash" and his little 3yr old self came running down the stairs (he was supposed to be asleep) and push a full-grown man away from me and said, "You be nice to my mommy, or you GET OUT!" He was only THREE YEARS OLD!
That was the first time I said I had to leave. Yes, it took me more than one to finally break free. I was the one that was supposed to protect my child not the other way around. I filed for divorce, and we separated. I got a townhouse not too far away from my family. I still tried to co parent because that was the "right thing to do". One night he was my DD and I was the most intoxicated I had been in many many many years. That was a huge mistake on my part! I should have known I couldn't trust him. A few weeks later I noticed I was "late". I called to ask what happened that night he took me home. With a laugh he said, "You know what happened". Well enter baby #2. Let me take a moment to say that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. So if she ever sees this blog. Honey I love you and you are the best thing I never knew I needed. I am thankful that my grandmother in heaven sent you to me on that night. OK, back to my story..... I was lost and scared. I said it had to be a sign that I needed to try again, to make it work. I was 4mnts pregnant when I found out about the 1st affair. I stopped counting at 6 or was it 8? I can't remember. I tried to file for divorce again but was told I had to wait until the baby was born. I did and one day before her 1st birthday I was finally "free" or so I thought!
Fast forward to 6mnt later. He had come over to help me get the kids ready for school because I was sick that day and having a hard time getting to work. While I was not looking, he went through my phone. He found out I was seeing someone. Mind you we are divorced for 6mnts at this point. Sometime between then and the next few days- weeks the unthinkable happened. He had come over to take our daughter to daycare like he had a few times before and put our son on the bus for me so I could drive the 1hr to work and not be late. So, I left. About an hour later I got a call from his friend that said 4-6 Berkeley County Sheriff's Officers were looking for him. "WTF did he do?" I asked her, but she couldn't tell me. An officer got on the phone and asked if I knew where he was. I said, "Yes but not until you tell me what he did". These next words will live with me for the rest of my life. "Ma'am we got a call from his BOSS that he is planning a Murder Suicide. Do you know where your children are?" My feet and legs no longer worked, and I fell to the floor. Like you only see in the movies. A co-worker caught me and put me in a chair. I called the daycare to be told she was never dropped off. I had to keep my composure and call him and act like nothing was wrong. He was still at MY house with my daughter! He said they had “fallen asleep". I couldn’t hear her. Had he already killed her? The race was on to get to him. I could hear the police call over the phone radio his location and say that he could be armed and dangers. I don't remember much about those minuets, but I can tell you that it felt like and eternity waiting to hear the words, "We have him in custody and the child is safe".
What I didn't think of the entire time was what was of my son. The officer then asked me, "Do you know for sure that he put our son on the bus?!". I can't explain the explosion in my mind. The race to call the school was on. I don't remember who dialed the phone or who I got them to send me to the classroom phone. When his teacher picked up and said "Yes Ms. Dellucci he is here "I didn't hear her. I asked her to put him on the phone. The moment I heard his voice it was like a dam that was holding all the water for the last 8 years had busted open and the emotions that fell out of me was not pretty. At that moment I was a puddle on the floor sobbing into my boss's arms.
The next 2-4 YEARS of my life were hell! He lost his rights to them and until he got the help he needed he was never going to get them back. He went into a manic spiral. He stocked us, he harasser me, he called the police and DSS on me ALL THE TIME. I eventually lost my job partially due to all the court, kid and emotional days I had to take off from work. I was not someone I would ever want to hire so I can’t really blame them (but they were jerks too and the time I used I had earned). The police were there so much that when they would get a call from him or a neighbor to report him they would call my cell 1st to see if I was ok. They parked their cars at my house on their breaks at night and did their paperwork waiting outside my house. Just so we could sleep. I tried so so so so hard to make my kids’ lives as normal as it could be but how could I tell a 1.6 and 4 year old what was happening? One night it was quiet. No cops, no alarms (cuz he set my car alarm off every single night between 10 and 3am) and my son said, "Mommy when will Officer X come to tell me goodnight and that I was a good boy today?". It had become his normal to see them so much that he thought that cops went and tucked all the kids into bed one at a time every night. This was my life.
He married that "friend" that called me on the faithful day. She was a CRAZY woman (Wife #4 we call her and to later find out one of his mistresses) and she just put fuel on his crazy fire. They were able to get supervised visitations for 3 hours A DAY! Crazy wife #4 was allowed to be the supervisor and every day for 3hours a day my heart stopped, and I couldn't breathe. They wouldn't tell me if they had them or were they would drop them off at. If they did come to my house to return them, they had police escorts. They even tried to hold them inside the car while I stood in the rain to get my babies back. When my daughter tried to come to me, she was grabbed so hard by Wife #4 she left marks on her. Ya I lost it on her that day. They used my kids as pawns to toucher me every single day. I was finally about to get a full restraining order on him but that didn't help much.
It was a guardian ad litem that finally got to him. He would call her every day yelling about me. She finally said to him, “IDGAF what you have to say about your EX wife but a judge has ordered you to take specific medication and to see a specific Dr and until you do you will NEVER see your kids again!”. So, it was out of spite to prove he wasn't "crazy" that he took his medication. It was two weeks later and as he tells it he “woke up and it was like a fog had lifted and he said, "WTF have I done?!" He finally got the help he needed, and he left crazy wife #4. We took things slow, and I did supervised visits for him with each kid one at a time, against everybody's advise. Our daughter didn’t know who he was and thought that he was only “Bubba’s Daddy”. It took her a very long time to understand that he was her father too. She wanted nothing to do with him for many years and as a 2/3yr old it is hard to verbalize. She had many many melt downs, and we did get professional help for all of us. He tried to “win me back” but as soon as I saw the signs I quickly made it clear to him that I was with someone (still am) and we were never going to be more than parents to two beautiful children if he stayed on his meds.
Things were ok for a while, but he lapsed after a year or two when he married Wife #5 and we ended up back in court. All because he couldn’t have his way. Like a child having a temper tantrum, but I’ll save those stories for another day. If you are still reading this I want you to know I was so embarrassed. Embarrassed? Why you ask? Because I am a strong independent woman who would never let a man take advantage of me, use me, abuse me, let alone rape me but here I was. It was slow and I was gaslighted so much I questioned my own reality. Why didn’t I see the signs? I wanted to be loved so bad did I attracted him to me?
It took many years to realize the man I had fallen in love with was a lie, a ghost. I was used for my money, stability, loyalty and ultimately betrayed. I was wife #3 as embarrassing as that is. I should have known that Wife#1 & #2 couldn’t have both been the bad guys. I should have listened when Wife #2 laughed at me and said, “Good luck! He is your problem now”. I should have seen the missing money, the late nights, and early mornings for “work”, the secret jobs, secret credit cards, fake family emergencies back in Louisiana (another affair), the secret CAR (yes, an entire car for a girlfriend). It took me finding a great man that treats me like I should to realize what a real healthy relationship is like. There are days I don’t remember how I even got out of bed. I am thankful for my mother because I know that without her I would not have made it, but I was a fighter.
I did what I had to do to protect myself and my children. I left with TWO kids and NO money left to my name and started over! I grew stronger every day I lived without him in my life. I am here now to tell you, my story. It isn’t the same as your story, but our abuser is. He is called The Narcissist! He has many faces but his pattern is the same. You can make it! You can leave! You can live without him! You are worth true love! There are places and people that can help you. The 1st step and the hardest for me was admitting I was abused and asking for help. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. Thank you for reading and if you see yourself saying “this is my story” ask for help.
I want to add that he is being a good dad now. Wife #5 keeps him in line. But he is HER problem now and they have a new baby on the way so I PRAY that she NEVER has to go through what he did to me. I wish that on no mother!
Here are places that can help!
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233